Of Course The First Time The Fat Jewish Got High Was At His Bar Mitzvah
The Fat Jewish’s bar mitzvah date was set for March 25: that elusive time when winter begins to thaw, and the calendar finally declares it spring. But no seasonal decree was going to stop him from throwing the autumn themed soiree of his dreams. “Normal themes in the mid 90s were like casino, Hollywood, Michael Jordan, NBA, whatever. But the theme of my bar mitzvah was autumn,” the comedian, whose real name is Josh Ostrovsky, tells me. “[At that age] I was basically a middle aged gay man who lived in a sun-splashed brownstone in Chelsea. My mom was my best friend. I was super judgmental. I hung out with adults. It was super fucking weird.” His father — a Russian immigrant who grew up in Brighton Beach — wasn’t mad about the prospect of an autumn-centric bar mitzvah, but he was certainly confused. “My dad was kind of just like, ‘What the fuck? What about basketball?’ And I was like, ‘Nah not really my vibe. We’ll do a fall melange with cornucopias on the table and the room will really light up,’” Ostrovsky explains.
Theme aside, the resulting party was much more aligned with the larger than life Ostrovsky we’ve come to know on social media over the years. The event was held at Governors Island — Ostrovsky’s rabbi doubled as the rabbi for the navy and he was the plug for the venue — and outlandish hijinks ensued. Ostrovsky got high for the first time, had an ill-fated slow dance with his Russian grandmother, and laid the groundwork for his first hookup. But much like his comedy now, the cornerstone of the event was an unabashed display of pure, unadulterated Judaism. “At some point I was tired of Jews not getting respect for being cool and I wanted to make kids feel proud to be [Jewish],” Ostrovsky says of the focus on Jewish culture in his humor. “I get a lot of DMs of kids being like, ‘I’m from Iowa and everyone hates Jews but I went as you for Halloween and people love you!’ I never intended on helping in any shape or form, because I’m not all that helpful in general, but that’s been a fucking nice thing.”
Below Ostrovsky reflects on his time on the bar mitzvah circuit — a wild night with Mandy Patinkin included.
On being incredibly hands on with the party planning:
Basically me and my mom were a couple. We planned the menu and I was like, “I want it to be crazy but I don’t want it to be too crazy.” But I remember also throwing in some classic things that I knew my friends would want to do. I knew if I made it too tasteful it wasn’t going to be lit, so I threw in a basketball thing that you’d have at Dave & Buster’s. In classic 90s fashion there was an airbrush artist who would draw you with a giant head and a little body like Times Square caricature style or do like boxer shorts or whatever.
Some of my creative choices were shut down, which I’ll have to talk about in therapy. I wanted to wear a white suit and loafers with no socks, like full Miami fuck boy. My parents were like, “No.” We went to a store and we ended up settling on a khaki suit. I also wanted to put a bunch of Sun In in my hair but my parents were like, “Please don’t.” I had a full-blown buzz cut [instead].
On slow dancing with his Russian grandmother:
We did the candle [lighting ceremony] where you’re like rhyming the words and then I had to dance with my grandmother, which was super awkward because she had the biggest tits on the planet. She was all head, tits, and legs. She had no body. I just remember being really uncomfortable because her boobs were so big and I was standing two feet away from her and they were still touching me. She had this giant shit eating grin on her face like the “Black Hole Sun” video and I was like, “This is nuts.” After that I was through with my obligations — the candle lighting and the dance with the fucking giant titted Russian woman — then I was free to fucking rage.
On smoking a j bone behind a naval building:
My bar mitzvah was the first day that I smoked pot. Two guys that I went to high school with, who now make disco music professionally, brought a joint in a Janet Jackson cassette tape holder. We did the j bone in the back somewhere on Governors Island, behind an old naval building. I didn’t know how to be high and I just thought I was supposed to spazz out. I just remember really dumbing out and going fucking crazy like slam dancing to like “Jagged Little Pill” or whatever.
On his sexual awakening at summer camp:
[At my bar mitzvah] I was best friends with a lot of girls. We’d listen to the Clueless soundtrack, a lot of “Kids In America.” That was in March, then that summer was my awakening. The first three girls I ever hooked up with were named Brianna, which is insane. One of the Briannas — who looked like Jon Lovitz and had bifocals and oddly rough hands for a girl her age — was at my bar mitzvah. We chilled there but nothing happened, no sexy dancing time. Then that summer I got to sloppy second with her. I remember in the distance The Fugees were playing.
On encountering Mandy Patinkin on the bar mitzvah circuit:
So I went to school with really weird celebrities kids on the Upper West Side, like Mandy Patinkin. I went to his son’s bar mitzvah and Mandy Patinkin got absolutely fucking wasted and he barfed. We were on a little school bus that was taking us to what must’ve been the reception in Westchester or the synagogue or something. (I don’t know for sure where we were going this was like 85 years ago.) But he made us stop the bus and he went outside and he started to explosively vomit. Everyone was like, “Why is Mandy Patinkin sick? Is he ok? Is it flu season?” I realized later that he got so drunk he puked at his own son’s bar mitzvah — which, by the way, I respect!
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
Loved this. Great story.